Friendships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, but they’re not always easy. In her book Modern Friendship, Anna Goldfarb lays out six hard truths about modern friendships that can help us navigate these relationships with more understanding and grace.

1. Friends Will Disappoint You

First and foremost, it’s crucial to accept that friends will disappoint us. We’re all human, and that means we’ll inevitably let each other down. No one is perfect, and expecting your friends to never make mistakes or hurt your feelings is unrealistic. Instead, focus on what you can control: investing wisely in your relationships and accepting people as they are, flaws and all. This mindset can lead to stronger, more resilient friendships.

2. Friendships Will Change

Just like the seasons, friendships go through phases. Sometimes you’ll be closer, and other times you may drift apart. People grow and change, and so do their relationships. It’s important to be open to these changes and not to panic if a friendship seems to be fading. Interestingly, even friendships that seem to have ended can surprise you by coming back to life later on.

3. Friendships Require Maturity

Maintaining healthy friendships takes maturity. This means being self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and capable of clear communication. It’s about understanding your limits, expressing your needs, and making time for your friends, even when life gets busy. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s better to tell your friend rather than just disappearing. Honest communication strengthens the bond and shows that you value the relationship.

4. Rejection Is Part of Friendship

Not every invitation will be accepted, and not every message will be returned. It’s essential to be okay with occasional rejection and not take it personally. Often, a friend’s actions say more about what’s going on in their life than about you. Understanding this can save you a lot of unnecessary hurt and keep your friendships healthy.

5. Look for Opportunities to Connect

Friendship isn’t just about waiting for others to reach out. It’s on you to look for opportunities to connect. Be open to “bids” for connection, whether they’re big or small. If a friend recommends a podcast or suggests trying a new restaurant, engage with these moments. These little gestures can create and strengthen bonds, turning casual connections into deeper friendships.

6. Be the Best Friend You Can Be

Finally, research shows that being someone’s best friend contributes more to your happiness than having a best friend. This is because when you actively care for someone else, it triggers positive emotions and gives you a sense of belonging. So, instead of focusing on finding great friends, focus on being a great friend. Your life will be richer for it.

The “Three Ds” of Friendship

To build a strong friendship, keep in mind the “Three Ds”: Desire, Diligence, and Delight.

• Desire is the foundation—the genuine wish to spend time with someone. Without it, friendships often fade.
• Diligence involves prioritizing your friends and being attentive to their lives. It’s about remembering important dates, checking in during tough times, and keeping your promises.
• Delight is the joy you share and experience together. It’s what makes the time spent with friends nourishing and fulfilling.

Every strong friendship also needs a clear and compelling “about”—a shared reason for the relationship. Whether it’s common interests, experiences, or goals, having something that bonds you together is crucial. It could be a mutual love for indie films, shared parenting challenges, or training for a marathon together.

By understanding these truths and the “Three Ds,” you can navigate the complexities of modern friendships with greater ease and fulfillment.

Friendship in the modern world comes with its challenges, but by accepting these truths, we can approach our relationships with more wisdom and compassion. Friendships will change, disappoint, and require effort, but they’re worth it. By focusing on being a great friend, you’ll find that your relationships not only survive but thrive.