Most of us grow up thinking life is a straight path: go to school, get a job, build a family, and retire. But life rarely unfolds that neatly. Mark Manson, best known for The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, argues that life actually progresses through four distinct stages — and many of us get stuck along the way, often without even realizing it. His personal journey and insights reveal not only why this happens, but also how we can break free when it does.

For much of his twenties, Manson thought he was figuring life out. He traveled to 50 countries, started businesses, tried every drug under the sun, and dated across the spectrum. But beneath this restless activity was avoidance. He wasn’t learning who he was; he was running from it. And like many of us, he was stuck in one of life’s four stages. Each of these stages shape our goals, dreams, and struggles — knowing where you are can change everything.

Stage One: The Copycat

Imagine waking up on your 38th birthday next to someone you don’t love, in a job you don’t believe in, on a vacation you didn’t want to take. That’s exactly what happened to a friend of Manson’s — the sobering end of Stage One.

We start life helpless, learning by mimicking those around us. First, we master basic skills like walking and talking. Later, we pick up social cues and cultural norms. Ideally, this stage equips us to become self-sufficient adults capable of making our own choices. But not everyone gets the support they need. When independence is punished or discouraged, some people get stuck, endlessly living out others’ expectations and chasing their approval.

Stage One typically ends in late adolescence or early adulthood. But many people, like Manson’s friend, can remain trapped for decades — never truly choosing their own lives. Breaking free requires the courage to stop seeking validation and start making autonomous decisions.

Stage Two: The Explorer

Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we enter Stage Two — the phase of exploration. Here, we test boundaries, experiment with identities, and chase new experiences. It’s often a wild ride full of adventure, cringe-worthy mistakes, and questionable life choices.

For Manson, this meant globetrotting. For his brother, it involved diving into politics in Washington, D.C. Everyone’s exploration looks different because it’s driven by the search for personal values — discovering what truly matters to us.

But Stage Two has its traps. Pleasure-driven pursuits — travel, parties, casual relationships — eventually lose their luster. We also run up against our limitations. As Manson puts it, no matter how much you want it, you won’t excel at everything. Recognizing what you’re bad at and focusing on what you value most is essential.

Some get stuck here, addicted to novelty and unable to accept their limits. Manson calls this “Peter Pan syndrome” — eternal adolescents who are always discovering but never building a meaningful life.

Moving forward means accepting that life is finite. We must prioritize what matters and commit to it, letting go of the rest.

Stage Three: The Martyr

“Find what you love and let it kill you,” wrote Charles Bukowski. This sentiment captures the essence of Stage Three — consolidation.

Here, we focus deeply on what matters most, whether that’s family, a career, or a cause. It’s a time of serious commitment and hard work. You shed draining friendships and meaningless pursuits, doubling down on the relationships and missions that align with your core values.

This stage usually spans from one’s 30s to retirement. But it carries its own risks. Some people struggle to let go of ambition and remain driven to the point of burnout. They stay stuck in a cycle of striving when they should be transitioning to the next phase.

Stage Four: The Mortal

Stage Four begins when energy wanes and life’s accomplishments are largely behind us. Here, the focus shifts from doing to letting go.

Ernest Becker, an anthropologist diagnosed with terminal cancer in his 40s, captured this phase beautifully in The Denial of Death. We all create “immortality projects” — things we hope will outlive us and give our lives meaning. In Stage Four, we face the reality that even these projects are transient.

The fear of irrelevance creeps in. Some fight it by working into their 80s; others resign to boredom. But the wisest embrace this phase by mentoring, teaching, and passing on what they’ve built. It’s no longer about personal achievement but about ensuring others can carry forward the values and knowledge we leave behind.

Navigating Transitions

Transitions between stages aren’t smooth. They’re often triggered by pain, loss, or failure — moments that force us to reevaluate our values. And as we move through stages, relationships often shift. Friends stuck in earlier stages may no longer align with our priorities.

Here’s what’s required to move forward:

• From Stage One: Accept that you can’t please everyone and must live for yourself.
• From Stage Two: Accept that you can’t do everything and must choose what matters most.
• From Stage Three: Recognize that time and energy are limited; help others carry on your work.
• From Stage Four: Accept that influence fades; focus on leaving a lasting impact through others.

At every stage, growth means reassessing and reordering your values. It’s about knowing what to hold onto and what to let go of — a lifelong project of prioritization and perspective.

Life isn’t a straight path. It’s a layered, evolving journey. Understanding these stages helps us navigate it with greater awareness — and, ultimately, with greater peace.

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Credits: This article is inspired by insights from Mark Manson’s video on The Four Stages of Life and his broader work on values and personal growth.