If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve had at least one moment where you’ve lost your temper — maybe even more than one. The kind of moment where you say something you regret, where the anger spills out before you can pull it back in. The guilt that follows can be crushing. You tell yourself, I’ve messed this up, What’s wrong with me?, or worse, I’ve damaged my child forever. But renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy — affectionately dubbed “the parenting whisperer” — offers a radical, hopeful idea: what matters most isn’t never messing up. It’s how you repair.

Kennedy reminds us that this isn’t just about parenting. Everything she teaches about the art of repair applies to any meaningful relationship in your life — with your partner, friends, coworkers, or family members. Because all relationships involve moments of rupture. But it’s what we do after those ruptures that defines their strength.

Take Kennedy’s own example. One Sunday night, drained and overwhelmed, she snaps at her son when he complains about dinner. “What is wrong with you? Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?” she yells. Her son storms off yelling, “I hate you!” And just like that, a night meant for connection unravels into disconnection.

It’s a scenario so many parents recognize. And Kennedy, despite being a psychologist and parenting expert, felt that familiar wave of shame crash over her. The powerful twist? She doesn’t just leave us in the guilt. She invites us into something far more transformative: repair.

So, what is repair?

Repair is not a quick “I’m sorry” to brush things under the rug. It’s the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking ownership for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on the other person. An apology often aims to end the discomfort — “I’m sorry, can we move on?” But repair opens a conversation: “I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary. And it wasn’t your fault.”

Repair changes the story our children tell themselves. Because if we don’t repair, they will fill the silence with self-blame. They’ll decide that they were the problem. That they are unlovable. This is the heart-wrenching truth Kennedy shares: when parents fail to repair, children often internalize the hurt, because it’s safer to believe they did something wrong than to face the terrifying idea that their caregivers might be unpredictable or unsafe.

And while this strategy might serve them in childhood, it becomes a burden in adulthood. That voice of self-blame — I’m the problem, I make bad things happen — can manifest later as anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and difficulty navigating adult relationships.

But repair interrupts that cycle.

By going back to the moment of rupture and rewriting the narrative, we don’t erase the mistake — we transform its meaning. We show our kids (or partners, friends, or even ourselves) that while hurt happened, it doesn’t define the whole story. That love, connection, and safety still remain.

Kennedy outlines two steps to repair: first with yourself, then with the other person.

Step one: repair with yourself.

Before you can show up with empathy for your child, you have to show it to yourself. This means separating your identity from your behavior. I’m a good parent who had a hard moment. That doesn’t absolve you — it actually keeps you grounded enough to grow. It replaces shame with responsibility. You stop spiraling and start thinking clearly about what you want to do differently next time.

Step two: repair with your child.

Kennedy suggests a simple three-part formula:

• Name what happened
• Take responsibility
• Share what you’ll do differently

It could sound like: “I’ve been thinking about what happened in the kitchen. I’m sorry I yelled. That must have felt really scary. And it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”

Just 15 seconds. But those 15 seconds can have a lifelong impact. You’re replacing your child’s story of “I’m bad” with one of “I’m safe, I’m seen, I’m loved.” And once reconnection is restored, you can actually teach the skill that was missing. Not in the heat of anger, but in the calm afterward. “Next time you don’t like dinner, maybe you can say ‘Not my favorite’ instead of ‘disgusting.’” You’re modeling regulation, respect, and communication — all the things we want our children to develop.

Now, you might be thinking: What if my child is older? Or What if I’ve messed up way more than that kitchen example? Is it too late?

Kennedy’s message is loud and clear: It is not too late.

To drive this home, she invites us to imagine a phone call from our own parent. One where they take responsibility, name our pain, and offer to listen without defensiveness. Most adults get emotional just imagining it. That call wouldn’t erase the past, but it might change some things. It might begin to untangle some long-held beliefs about ourselves.

And if you are the parent now, then your child is, by definition, younger than you. Their story is still being written. Their memories are still taking shape. Your repair has the power to transform how they see themselves — and how they treat others — for the rest of their lives.

No parent is perfect. We all have moments we wish we could undo. But repair gives us something even better than perfection: the chance to teach our children that relationships can weather storms, that people can make mistakes and still be worthy of love, and that disconnection doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

So the next time you raise your voice, the next time you fall short — don’t focus on being perfect. Focus on being good at repair. The road to reconnection is always open. You just have to take the first step.

Credits: Dr. Becky Kennedy, TED Talk – “The most powerful parenting strategy you’re not using”