What if the biggest mistake we’re making in life is not about what we do—but how we exist?

In To Have or To Be?, Erich Fromm draws a sharp line between two modes of living that shape our personalities, our relationships, and even our entire culture: the having mode and the being mode. These aren’t just philosophical abstractions—they’re practical, day-to-day patterns of experience. And according to Fromm, our increasing attachment to the having mode is making us anxious, disconnected, and ultimately less human.

Let’s break down what these two modes mean—and how they impact your life more than you probably know.

What Is the “Having” Mode?

At its core, the having mode is about possessing. In this mode, we seek to own things—objects, knowledge, people, status. It’s the mindset that says “I am what I have.” We define our identity not by who we are, but by what we accumulate.

This doesn’t just apply to material possessions. We say things like:

• “I have a good education.”
• “I have a relationship.”
• “I have faith.”
• “I have knowledge.”

But these phrases conceal a deep illusion: that we can freeze life into objects and own experiences like property. Fromm argues that this leads us to alienate ourselves from the very things we seek. To “have” love is not the same as to love. To “have” knowledge is not the same as to know.

In the having mode, everything becomes a thing—even people. We seek to capture and control. We turn living, breathing experiences into possessions to protect or show off. And ironically, the more we try to hold on to them, the more we kill the vitality they once had.

The “Being” Mode: A Different Way of Living

The being mode, in contrast, is not about owning but experiencing. It’s defined by aliveness, presence, and meaningful connection. Instead of “having knowledge,” we engage in knowing. Instead of “having love,” we love actively. Instead of “having faith,” we live faithfully.

Being means full presence. It means living with, not over. It’s about expressing rather than possessing, participating rather than consuming. In the being mode, we are in relationship with the world, not in domination of it.

Where the having mode is obsessed with permanence and security, the being mode embraces the flow of life. You don’t own a moment—you live it.

You Can Hear It in Our Language

Fromm gives a simple but powerful example: modern speech habits show how deeply the having mode is embedded in our culture.

Instead of saying “I am sad” or “I feel troubled,” we often say “I have a problem.” Instead of “I am angry,” we say “I have anger.” These are subtle differences, but they point to a profound shift: we are turning inner experiences into external objects. We have them, rather than be them.

Even love becomes a possession. We say, “I have a lover,” or “I have love for you.” But love isn’t something we can hold like a phone or a wallet. It’s a verb. A doing. A being. When we reduce love to something we “have,” we cut off the essential movement of giving, growing, risking. The moment we try to hold love like an object, we risk killing its essence.

Two Poems, Two Worlds

To make this distinction even clearer, Fromm compares two poems. In one, Alfred Lord Tennyson sees a flower and says:

“Flower in the crannied wall, I pluck you out of the crannies, I hold you here, root and all…”

He plucks the flower—kills it, essentially—in order to understand it.

In contrast, Japanese poet Bashō simply observes:

“When I look carefully, I see the nazuna blooming by the hedge.”

No plucking. No possessing. Just being with. Seeing fully. Bashō doesn’t destroy what he appreciates. His presence is enough. He doesn’t “have” the flower—he experiences it.

Fromm uses these poems to illustrate how our cultural orientation shapes not only our behavior but our perception. In the West, we often believe we must own something to know it. In other traditions, to see, to relate, to be with something is enough.

The Root of the Problem

So why are we stuck in the having mode?

Fromm traces this back to how modern society—especially in the industrial West—has evolved. We’ve built a world that depends on consumption. Economies demand that we buy more, own more, upgrade more. Even education has become about having degrees rather than being educated. Even spirituality has become a product you “get” rather than a path you live.

This mode is not neutral. It shapes our characters, our emotions, our relationships. The person in the having mode:

• Sees love as possession.
• Sees knowledge as accumulation.
• Sees relationships as acquisitions.
• Is driven by fear of loss and constant comparison.
• Feels threatened when they no longer “have” what defines them.

On the other hand, the person in the being mode:

• Lives in the present, not the past or future.
• Loves actively, not possessively.
• Engages with ideas and people, not as resources but as co-beings.
• Is open, curious, and generative.
• Can live in joy, even without “owning” anything.

But Isn’t “Having” Necessary?

Fromm isn’t suggesting we abandon all possessions. Of course we need food, shelter, tools, even money. The issue isn’t having things—it’s when having becomes our identity, our purpose, our obsession.

It’s the orientation that matters.

Do we see life as a series of things to acquire—or as a flow of experiences to live?

Do we teach children to measure their worth by what they achieve and own—or by how deeply they engage, feel, and contribute?

Do we enter relationships to get love—or to be loving?

The Quiet Revolution of Shifting Modes

The choice between having and being isn’t always dramatic. It shows up in small, daily decisions.

• When you sit with a friend, are you present—or are you mentally preparing your next comment?
• When you learn something, is it to check a box or to change your understanding of the world?
• When you relax, is it about escaping—or connecting more deeply with yourself?

Fromm isn’t preaching simplicity as sacrifice—he’s inviting us back into wholeness. Into presence. Into being.

Because once you become aware of this choice, you start to see it everywhere. And when you choose being over having, even in the smallest way, something shifts. Life becomes more alive. More truthful. More yours.

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It starts with us.

To shift the world, we must first shift how we live within it—not by having more, but by being more.

Credit: Inspired by Erich Fromm’s To Have or To Be? (1976).